They say parenting allows you to relive your childhood. Great if you have a great person. If you don’t do that, it’s not great. Mine almost made me swear by having a baby forever.
It’s not just yelling, constant criticism, nor is it just the feeling of love like a performance review that I can never get through. It was the one who should love, take care of and protect me, but kicked me when I was frustrated.
Some people remember that they would recover from illness when they were young, sit in their mother’s arms and take refuge.
I remember lying in bed, desperately suppressing my cough to avoid getting beaten. My illness woke my mom up, it was my fault because I went against her without a coat. That’s why I should be hit. Cough once each time.
I remember having to lie to my kindergarten teacher and pretending that many of my bruises were hit by a bicycle.
I remember being sent to school by mumps and a scarf surrounding my neck covered my illness. Then, after the teacher discovered that I was infectious and sent me home, he was later afraid of shaking because he had to face his mother.
So, I’ve grown up I’m not doing this to others. I’m not repeating this cycle. If I have kids – that’s a big one if– I’m sure that won’t do this when there’s almost no hangup.
One of the reasons my mother treated me like this is because we once had poverty and her name was 5 Chinese. That’s 70 cents – the money she has in the world. My father is still in school and cannot work hard to help her.
Unless I have been financially my whole life, I will never be a parent.
Fortunately, I discovered the fire fighting movement. While fire doesn’t solve all your problems, it can certainly give you time so you can fix it yourself.
Money can’t heal you, but it can make healing possible
I object to the longest time I have to have a baby because I believe I will remove my generational trauma. There is no number of spreadsheets that can change this.
Even after becoming a millionaire and retiring in my 30s, I still have very few insides.
After all, you don’t wake up financially independently and suddenly stop retreating when someone makes a sound.
When Boyz II men appear on the radio, you won’t stop crying in anger, the lyrics are:
“You’re there to make me love and care for me
When the sky is gray
Whenever I’m depressed
You are always there to comfort me.”
You keep wondering: Where am I comfortable? Where do I “love and care”? Why am I just beating and humiliating there?
While I can’t guarantee this to everyone who suffers from child abuse, it surprised me that parenting will heal me. Instead of reducing generational trauma, I was able to break it. Instead of every time the ruthlessness of parenting raises me and brings it to my children, I am able to recover and stay sane because the fire gives me time to do it.
Here’s what I learned from financial independence while going from the place of childhood trauma to my parents:
Don’t relive your childhood. rewrite it.
A few days ago, my son had a hard time biting me and he smoked blood. It was to talk to my landlord for a full 15 minutes while ignoring him in the stroller.
If I had done this as a kid, my mother would scream me, hit me, and lock me in a dark room for hours.
But instead, I pulled my hands away, calmly reminding him to use his words instead of his teeth when he was depressed. No impact, no scream, no dark room. I know my son will make more of this mistake in the future, which will require many attempts and re-adhering the rules to keep his cerebellum still developing. But I was able to rewrite the story. Since then, many other childhood stories.
As a result, images of my childhood pain have now been drawn with new memories.
My memories are now constantly afraid of being hit by mother, but are constantly afraid of being hit by her son, a happy little boy, who giggled and ran towards me. He is not afraid of making mistakes, and when he is sick, I give him hugs, kisses and unconditional love.
Parenting has nothing to do with perfection; it’s about trying to do better all the time.
I’m not perfect. Actually, I don’t think that perfect parents exist. We are all human beings, and we all make mistakes. The point of parenting is not to never make mistakes. Be aware of your mistakes and make sure your child will do better.
I know I’ll get this wrong often. Sometimes I will fly out the handle. Sometimes, my sleep is deprived, my sleep is deprived, and I accidentally yell at my kids at 3 a.m. because I keep crying. Yes, I even lost control before and deliberately flipped the butt on his meal plate during a tantrum just to feel fear and apologize for fear that he would hate me. This doesn’t mean I failed, he will always be upset with the cycle of repetition of generational trauma. This means I am human and I am accepting myself as a flawed parent. And I promised him that I will never stop trying, never stop growing, and never stop loving him.
Be the mother you need as a kid
I’ve never appreciated the fire I’m making now. Without the ability, I can’t quit my pressure, without the ability to realize my writing dream, and without the time and space to eventually recover from childhood trauma, I can’t be a good parent.
Once I had a son, I couldn’t believe how my mother could hurt a helpless child. Incredibly how you feel introverted by breaking your child’s spirit and feeling sadistic joy from watching your child’s humiliation so that you can support your own self.
I know that a lot of my mother’s trauma comes from deeper trauma when she was a child. After all, she was forced to endure the Cultural Revolution in China, a kind of famine and political persecution that led to her family being executed by the Communists. It didn’t start with her. But this will end with me. Even if I have 100% of the time I’m not right, I will never stop trying.
And now, because fire helped me rewrite my childhood, I can finally listen to “Mom’s songs” instead of crying. Because I didn’t think about it at all when my mom started. I’m thinking about me. Because now I am That mother. I am a love-making, caring person who provides comfort.
I am The mother I needed when I was a kid.
***
If your childhood is tough I will see you and I’m sorry this happened to you. you are not alone.
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