I will never forget the day I asked my mom: “Do you know what dad planned for you when his dad passed away?” He was very ill. She was very sad.
“Of course I will do this,” she replied. But when I pressed her to get the details, she couldn’t deliver it.
But she knew very well: this was not the conversation she wanted to have. I’m more clear: Avoiding is an option. Here is what we did:
1. We have “talk”.
I sat down with my mom and dad and we looked at all the financial documents: bank statements, investments, real estate planning, etc. This is by no means a simple conversation. Nerve wear. My mom has glaze. My father lost his patience. I kept scratching my wrists (a nervous habit) until I was bleeding. But in the end, my mom knew where every penny was and what he (also made) arrangements.
2. We assembled the “team”.
My father imagined it very much. Mom needs support. First, our list is to hire a real estate lawyer and work with him, my sister and my parents to create a very good, taxable real estate plan. Next, we helped her find an investment advisor and CPA. Don’t hesitate to interview multiple investment advisors and CPAs to find the right person. My mom meets her team regularly until she dies 20 years later.
3. We updated the documentation.
We make sure that the will, the power of attorney, everything reflects their latest information and current desires.
4. We envisioned a future without dad.
My mom started thinking about living a single life: how much money she needs (a lot); she wanted her own money to invest (very conservative); who would help her (her team).
5. We have regular family meetings.
These meetings, while often excited, brought everyone to the same page while Dad was still alive. These parties include my sisters, spouses, all grandchildren, and we end up with great grandchildren crawling around as well. My father lets everyone know his wishes, especially for charity and keeping his family together. These meetings certainly bring us closer.
6. Mom talks with friends.
She had several friends who had lost her husband, so she talked to them in detail. They gave her great advice, which really helped her see life, happiness is possible.
After doing these things, when my father passed away, all my mother had to do was to be sad. Each detail is done in order. No surprises. All papers are signed. All major decisions. Her team is in place. In fact, his death was seamless. Emotionally, it’s hard. But be prepared to make it easier.
Depending on the stage in your life, you may or may not do these things. However, we should all consider what happens when our spouse dies, because unexpected things do happen. What plans do you have for unexpected or inevitable changes that occur in your life?
