One of the main reasons I refuse to rent a small fortune in Honolulu for a vacation property is because I want to stay in my childhood home. The house was built in 1986 when I was nine years old and I have been looking back almost every year since.
But staying there is not just nostalgia or saving money. It’s much more than that. It’s about resetting expectations, facing old demons, hoping to recover, and planning for the rest of your life and the rest of your parents.
All start time capsules
Given that I was the son of an American diplomat, until I was 14, my residence in Honolulu was as close to a “family base” as ever. My grandparents bought the land and old houses for $30,000 in 1956 and then demolished the termite problem when it got out of control in 1985 to build what still exists today. As they passed, the house was passed to my parents, my sister and me, as well as my aunt and uncle, who also had the house.
What is fascinating is that the changes are small. The original electric range and the oven is still there, rusted. The shower and taps are the same as the ones I used when I was a kid. The sofa in the living room is the same. Of course, over time we have upgraded the windows and installed several AC units, but most houses in the past have been in trouble.
My parents had pictures on the walls when they were kids. Photos of my childhood. Walking past them, I couldn’t help but wonder: Where did all the time go?
When you were little, there was no excitement and hope
As early as 1986, I had no other choice but to have a joy in the fourth grade. I love going back to Honolulu to spend time with my grandparents. My grandfather would take me to the beach at the old Chevrolet station on the bench on his old Chevrolet team. He taught me how to water fruit trees. My grandmother blessed her heart and taught me basics such as how to use toilet paper.
They also argued a lot. I didn’t understand then, but now, as an adult, I see what it is: two people do their best.
I wish we had a smartphone or an affordable camera back then to keep those little moments. But maybe memory is not perfect so that when we re-examine the house of childhood, we can rediscover ourselves, even for a while.
Have the opportunity to reflect, reset and reimagine
When you return home, you return to the time before the world’s weight settles on your shoulders. You may rediscover an idealistic boy or girl that once was. And if your life is different from what you imagined (whether it is due to situations, stress or inner changes), you can briefly press the reset button.
Lying on that familiar bed, staring at those old photos, you are forced to take a look at life. You did a good job? What would you do? How far have you come? Perhaps most importantly, what else should you do with the rest of your time?
Living in your childhood home is a completely different experience. It’s almost like stepping into a parallel universe where you can see the connection between the past and the present.
The old demon facing the old eyes
I believe childhood trauma plays a big role in shaping who we are. We all went through some form that we could recover if we had the privilege of re-examining adult memories. Please check out Dr. Gabor Mate’s work for more information. He is great.
Two memories stand out for me.
The first was my dad calmly entering my room and told me he spent a long time typing some of my angry papers. I was in the fourth grade at that time. He didn’t yell or hit me. He just said I did something wrong and left. This calm response has always bothered me. Now, as a parent, I try to do the same thing with my own kids, saying it out instead of exploding.
The second memory is my mom tells me to stretch out my hands so that I can beat them with long cooking chopsticks when I’m naughty. I was in the sixth grade and was very scared. The pain was very rapid, but it was even worse to be afraid of reaching out my hand. This parenting made me emotionally withdraw from her, which is one of the reasons I never raised my hand to my kids.
This trip, I saw the same surface of panic and anger as she got angry again in the overflowing laundry sink over the clogged lint trap. But instead of reacting, I stood still and let the screaming man take me back to the time of a little boy – getting more and more lonely. Then I sat down and listened to her hard growing story. This is a story I’ve heard more than a hundred times, and she’s been repeating one story because she can’t break the cycle.
That was when I realized it: she was angry occasionally. It was baked by her through years of trauma, cultural displacement and struggle. I lifted my chopsticks and whipped them, telling her that I forgave her. She looked confused and said it was a joke. But the fear and pain I felt at that time were very real. I told her, “It’s okay.”
A feeling of peace washed on me. She also became more calmer for the rest of her trip. I think she has recovered from her heart.
Understand our parents and understand themselves
Before your parents go away, try to understand them – not like your parents, but like people who do everything they can. What were they going through when they raised you? What cultural or financial pressure are they under? How do these things affect their parenting? Are they always like this?
After all, they are the first time and only time, just like you. Before we pass, I hope we can all face the demons and make modifications.
This makes me more sympathetic when I see how hard parenting is, especially when you work full time. My wife and I are full-time parents, which provides more energy for our children. But it also made me realize how tired and stressful my parents had to have to be at 6pm every day, as both of them worked full-time until the traditional retirement age.
For the longest time, I wondered whether my parents responded to my behavior or simply reflected their personality. I’ve long believed I’m a Terrible kid90% of their discipline to me was my fault. It was obvious to me that I wasn’t all blame. Instead, I think 60% of their parenting style is made by their identity rather than what I do. I also have the opinion of a father with an eight-year-old son.
My dad has been calm–in fact, during the family barbecue, he quietly stood up and said he had to take himself to the emergency room because the metal barbecue was already in his throat. This is someone who once helped release the victims of abduction while working in Malaysia. He also worked as a prison guard in Thailand during the Vietnam War. At the same time, he laughed at me instead of encouraging me to lose tennis, shorter than him and very fat. But I accepted that he was what he was like.
My mother is very considerate and thoughtful, often at the cost of her happiness. But, she is also full of nerve energy. But I get it now-it’s not her fault. That is her birth personality. This is how she learns to survive.
Appreciate what you already have
One of the best things to do when you go back to childhood is the way it resets the baseline.
For example, after driving my 28-year-old assault taxi, my love for my 10-year-old Range Rover Sports came back to San Francisco. Bluetooth! Backup camera! The leather seats still smelled of leather! I no longer want to buy a replacement car.
The same is true for our houses, daily work, and life. We crave more until we remember how big we used to be and how happy we are. As the Buddha said, “Desire is the cause of suffering.” This includes the desire for a larger house, a more luxurious car or more money and status. We lose our inner peace and pursue what we don’t need.
But if you have frugal parents who keep them raising your house and then go back there, you can reset your expectations and revisit what really matters.
For decades, I’ve been chasing better homes, thinking that more or more luxurious finishes will make me happier. This doesn’t make me happier, it’s just more satisfied as a provider. As children improve and time is more precious than ever, I just want stability and peace.
Spending a few weeks at my childhood home this summer reminded me of my own stuff.
You will learn to take care of your parents better
Finally, if you reconnect with your childhood, heal old wounds, better understand why you are, and appreciate the reasons you have not been able to return home, there is another important thing: It can help you take care of older parents better.
If your parents try their best to take care of you for the first 18 years, the grace that returns for the past 18 years is the only right and compassionate person. However, it’s hard to really help from a distance.
By living for a long time during your childhood, you can observe the rhythm of your parents’ lives – their habits, preferences, limitations and self-evident struggles. This allows you to plan ahead.
You may determine that it is necessary to clear future guards, fix long-signed plumbing issues, or install handrails and ramps to aid mobility. You may even find that they just stop paying attention or caring for things like chronic coughs that seem normal to them but are unusual to you.
As our parents age, they spend more and more time alone. For some, like my mom, this loneliness is welcomed. But for others, like my father, I’m sure he longs for more company. His voice became ventilated when my sister called him how his eyes lighted up as I sat next to him.
Observe your parents so you’d better take care of them later.
It’s too late to return
Revisiting your childhood home while your parents are still alive can be one of the things you can emotionally clarify and heal. This is why it is important:
- Reconnect to your roots: Rediscover the person before your life.
- See your growth: Measuring how far you have come and reflecting on what remains important to you.
- Get to know your parents: Learn to see them as individuals – shaped, humanized and shaped by their own stories.
- Healing through reflection: Facing old pain, forgive where you can be and allow yourself to move on.
- Thank you for having it: Make your past simplicity helps you be more grateful for the present.
- curb more desire: Stop pursuing upgrades and start embracing enough.
- Support your parents in a meaningful way: Be here, please help, take care of the way they once took care of you.
If you are lucky enough to still get your childhood home and your parents back. Live in it. listen. help. reflect. heal.
Because one day, you won’t be able to. When that time comes, you will be happy to do your best when you still have the chance.
Reader, can you still enter your childhood home? If so, have you ever lived with your parents for a long time? If anything, what do you know about parents you’ve never noticed before? What do you see now as an adult? You couldn’t fully grasp it when you were a child? And, what other ways do you have to appreciate what you have today and how far you have come?
Subscribe to Financial Warriors
Pick up a copy of my National Bestseller in the United States Today, Millionaire Milestone: Simple Steps to Seven Numbers. I have distilled over 30 years of financial experience to help you build wealth than 94% of the population and take a free break soon.
Listen and subscribe to the Financial Samurai Podcast apple or Spotify. I interviewed experts in my respective fields and discussed the most interesting topics on this website. Thank you for your stocks, ratings and reviews.
To speed up your financial freedom journey, join more than 60,000 people and subscribe Free Financial Samurai Newsletter. Financial Samurai is one of the largest independent personal finance websites established in 2009. Everything is written based on first-hand experience and expertise.
